Lost. Forgotten. Astray. Lack of bearing. Misplaced. They are the words that come to mind when I try to describe my state of being lately. And by lately I mean for the last couple of years. Being a reader has always been part of my identity for as long as I can remember and I’ve lost that in the stream of obstacles that have been thrown my way over the last two years. Books were always my safe place to land and they were my escape. For a long time I haven’t been able to get lost in a book, I can’t concentrate, I have to push myself to read at the moment and I’m just…lost. Reading isn’t just a hobby for me – books are how I understand the world and myself. I’ve lost that access and in doing so I’ve kind of lost myself. Of course there is a reason for all of this, for feeling lost and not being able to get lost in a story. It’s something I haven’t been comfortable with discussing in the past but I think it’s time. Maybe if I write it out I’ll be able to find a way to push through it or at least understand it a little more.
Along with several other things I have been diagnosed with chronic pain and fatigue which directly affects what I am able to do in terms of concentration. I’m a university student and all of my energy is directed at trying to get through all my work and classes, or what energy I can muster, and not a lot is left for anything else. It’s frustrated me, angered me, made me sad and most of all has isolated me from people and things I like doing. I’m exceptionally stubborn and I’ve tried to fight through it but that’s just made everything worse. I do read but it’s at a slow pace and I usually have to read a passage more than once as well. It’s something I’ve had to get used to and I am used to it now but it’s so frustrating for me. I can’t begin to explain how frustrating it is. It’s like something I love is in my sight but just out of my reach and I’m close to reaching it but each time I get close it jumps back. Reading is just so much effort and it’s hard to force myself to read when I used to love doing it. I still love books and stories and reading it’s just become a chore. But I think there is a solution…
Pressure. That’s my main issue. I put too much pressure on myself to read fast or read a specific novel or finish a book I am not able to get into. I’ve always done this but more so now. My life is so chaotic, so many things are beyond my control, but I can control what I read. Lately I’ve been reading bits and pieces of novels or essays or poetry and it’s something I’ve really been enjoying. I haven’t finished a book in a while (other than texts I have to read for my studies) but I’ve been reading so much. I’m regaining that love little by little. I may not be able to read as fast or as much as I used to be able to but I’m slowly finding a way to love books again. This couldn’t come at a better time. I’m not doing too well at the moment and when I fell into dark periods in the past I was always able to rely on stories to get me through. I haven’t had that for the last two years but I think I’m regaining it. Possibly. Hopefully. Oh, god, I hope so. This brings me to the second purpose of this post…
In the past, having this blog made me even more passionate about reading, it made me think about the texts I read a lot more, it gave me access to opinions of others and I really benefited from it. I did change to a different blog but I’ve been drawn to this one for the past few months. I can’t quite explain it but as I was reading over past reviews on here and past general posts I regained a little of the passion back. So I think it’s time to embrace it and come back to this blog. I want to engage again, I want to write reviews (even if they are tiny ones, a sentence here or a paragraph there) and I want to set mini goals for myself which I think will help me regain more of that passion and love for reading back. It might not work but I think it’s time to try. And maybe, just maybe, if I regain that passion for reading and writing back I’ll regain some of my passion for life again. I’m also not going to only talk about classic literature. If I have thoughts or something else to talk about I’ll write up a post about that. I don’t want to limit myself too much.
We’ll see. For now I’m going to look at my shelves and pick out whatever speaks to me. I’ll be transferring a few reviews from my old blog here over the next few days and fixing up my pages etc. If anyone still follows this blog and reads this, thank you. I still read and comment on some of your posts and you all inspire me.